Weekly PIH: Just Everyday People Who Deserve a Punch in the Head

1. Sarah Palin and her mighty Telepalmer. (see below!)

2. The heartless aaaass behind the reduced-salt Sidekick commercials. They have awakened my long held belief that inanimate objects have feelings with their evil depiction of "wee salt shaker man" who has been reduced to peering through a rainy window at the warm, family meal inside. He cries his guts out-- literally; so do I. For God's sake: EAT SALT!!! As if those mop-hating bastards at Swiffer weren't bad enough.

3. "Keep the tofu balls warm honey, I'm gonna be late! Bob Barker's check cleared and I'm going to take a spin to Antarctica to ram a Japanese fishing vessel with the Bat Boat." AYFKM???? You can't even make this stuff up! Before PETA sabotages my blog with images of emaciated, staggering baby horses (and it has bacon in the name!): THIS IS NOT A STATEMENT IN SUPPORT OF WHALING!! But seriously, a Bat Boat!!! Riiiiiidiculous! LOL

4. Jerry the monotone GPS ass (Henceforth known as: GP-AAAASS) for plotting my route through the lobby of the MetLife building in Manhattan. I wanted to do it....just hammer down, jump the steps, plow right through, crash to a stop in a shower of glass in front of the rosy- cheeked Christmas tourists, climb out, slam the door, order some street meat and then sue those ill-informed, misleading bastards!!! FYI: This wasn't some Jesus revival tent clamored up in the middle of Park Avenue: It is one of the worlds 50 largest buildings, constructed in Nineteen Sixty-Freakin-Three!!!

5. The short, squeeky lotion cart bitch who followed me through the mall for 10 paces trying to give me a hand massage...am I in Thailand?

6. Every Engineer, inventor and Santa-Claus-His-Freakin'-Self for not coming up with a better hanging assembly for Christmas ornaments than that damn wire hook and circle crap! (Yeah, Yeah, I'm sweating the small stuff...cheaper than Hydro in December...)

7. The simple-minded, winter-jovials...all bundled up with their toothy smiles, waving as they waddle over the snow banks. You don't really like winter that much; it's a coping mechanism!



Thursday, January 8, 2009

The Bus Strike, Ronnie Reagan and The Strongly Worded Letter


The legality issues of these two strikes are different, but the 'jist' works.....

On August 3, 1981 nearly 13,000 of the 17,500 members of the Professional Air Traffic Controllers Organization walked off the job, hoping to disrupt the nation's transportation system to the extent that the federal government would accede to its demands for higher wages, a shorter work week, and better benefits. At a press conference in the White House Rose Garden that same day, President Reagan responded with a stern ultimatum: The strikers were to return to work within 48 hours or face termination. 11,000 strikers who refused to return to work were terminated and barred from ever being rehired. The public showed little support for the controllers, who were already making salaries well above the national average.


1. As an employment counsellor I have a hundred clients who could do (and would be grateful to have) a bus driver position, even with just their BASE salary. It's pretty cavalier to hold out on strike when the economy is tanking and thousands of the people who ride their buses every day are working part-time, contract, and entry-level jobs.

2. I could make $20,000 more a year if my boss would allow me to add 12 hours onto my work week. That would spring for a lot of popcorn and beer! Somehow, I don't think that's going to happen. I can lament...still not going to happen.

3. I called the union "terrorists" and people balked. They wouldn't even agree not to block school buses!! Who does that? (Insert mawkish, righteously indignant voice) "Interfering with the education of the little children...the future generation...." It's like beating a baby seal or tossing your McDonalds bag out the window on the Queensway....you just can't do that.

4. Man, the first day back to work is going to be a charmer!! With all my talk about Canadians being polite, I think I'd rather repel into the Koyunbaba to shovel bat shit in Turkey than face Ottawans stepping back onto the bus that first day. And I can picture the typically benign, passive mini-vanners donning bitter faces as the brandishing of the post-strike, one-finger salute ripples throughout the city. It could be marvelous!

5. When the union-loving hippies aren't even behind you there's a problem. Ironically, the people who are most likely to politically support a strike are the people who actually use the bus to get around....the liberal fervor is jumping ship! It's a sign.

6. Never underestimate the satisfaction that comes from composing a strongly worded letter to your local official:

Dear Mayor O'Brien, (larry.obrien@ottawa.ca)

For the past several weeks I have attempted, along with everyone else, to be patient as the City attempts to negotiate with the OC Transpo drivers. For the most part, people seem to be making due, pulling together to find transportation solutions, and 'waiting it out'. However, when the complex issues related to the Transpo strike are compounded by the inefficiency of other city services it becomes quite difficult to remain patient.



Case in point, on my daily commute across the city I have seen only one snow plow since the strike began (I nearly blew kisses). The condition of the city's roads has been as bad as I've seen, even with only moderate snowfall. There seems to be less salting/sanding in addition to the epochs between plowing. I do not have evidence that there have been more accidents due to the condition of the roads of late, but at the very least this is adding to the insane commute times and parking woes faced by drivers during the strike.


Is this related to the strike? Has the city altered their snow removal regiment? Has everyone with a driving job in the city decided to stay home in their jammies and watch the soaps? Are the plows being kept from the roads by strikers....or by the increase in traffic? Regardless of where the culpability lies, it is my sincere hope that both of these issues can be resolved immediately. AND I would like to express my support of the City using a strong arm to return these services to the people who pay for them. I'm sure a short read on the Presidency of Ronald Reagan would provide a suffice solution should the drivers reject the offer this evening.


Thank You!

Monday, January 5, 2009

Ten Resolutions That Were Not.....


I am absolutely certain that I have, on several occasions, met the Christmas Grinch. I've never understood that. Christmas has food....chocolate and booze food! Christmas has presents! Personally, I identify much more closely with the New Year's Grinch. I think evil thoughts about the people I see through gym windows at 6:00 a.m.....sending me subliminal messages that I should think about changing my life. Suddenly the McMuffin, Double-Double, and the Aero bar I'm coveting in the glove box go from being little packages of happiness to being suspect. Then the resolving begins.....and I am forced to annoy myself until March 10th when I give up the whole damn mess. So, this year.....meet me, the underachiever. I treat you to the seven resolutions that were not:


1. Exercise: Nope, not going to do it and neither are you. We always say it. There's just something about the new year that jars us into jerks of progress. In the end, all that comes from it is sweating and swearing as I haul my cookies up six flights of stairs, spend$500 in workout gear, gym memberships and magazines. That is not conducive to number two, which is to....



2. Spend less money on plastic junk (and the like): So, "You don't become a millionaire by skipping on lattés" says the millionaire....and shopping is about the only exercise one who foregoes resolution number one gets. Additionally, it makes me happy and less abrasive to those around me (which has been suggested by more than one therapist). Therefore, the resulting depression is not conducive to number three, which is to....


3. Wake up earlier and enjoy the beautiful stillness of the morning: The only joy I find first thing in the morning is knowing that I can sleep seven minutes longer every time I press the magic time-warp button. I don't like mornings; they don't like me. My sister says, "We're a good lookin' family, but we all look like the Geiko cave man until 10 a.m." So, it's best just to sleep through it. Rising at dawn and going for a brisk walk with Rover might work for some people, but it just makes me want to snap their neck and poison Rover for barking like a freak when I'm trying to sleep for seven more precious minutes....sigh...this stress is not conducive to number four, which is to....


4. Drink less: Uh, ya...maybe not. I mean, Jesus, even Jesus tapped the spring. Drinking is a necessary pre-requisite for number five, which is to......


5. Be more patient with people (specifically strangers): I am patient, I just don't like morons. They're everywhere. I have more than my share of "duh-freaking-duh Kari" moments....but I actually saw a woman try on shoes in the Walmart line up as she was being checked out. Jolly good for all of us, they were a bit loose and she asked if the cashier could call someone to bring her a smaller size! Then Moron Number Two entered stage left....the cashier who actually did it! I was in line with 50 other people with arms full of plastic junk and beat up boxes of candy that needed wrapped and delivered in the next 24 hours! But this is negative, which is not conducive to number six, which is to....


6. Be positive: Ah, jeez, I can be positive! Really! I even have moments of cheerleader like enthusio-optimism, complete with hand clapping and arm motions. But the sad truth is that I'm rather enjoy complaining. I also suspect that I'm funnier when I'm cantankerous. This is not to mention that my blog suffers when I have nothing caustic and critical to say, which is not conducive to number seven, which is to...

7. Blog more regularly! O.K. So, this one I might try to keep....at least until March 10th!


Happy New Year!