I was home sick yesterday (yes, I was actually sick) and decided to make the best of it by doing this special burrito-roll thing I do with my blanket on the couch to watch T.V. It occurred to me in my delirium that my television choices embarrass me. I wondered if someone, somewhere (besides Mathieu who is technologically linked up in real-time to everything that happens in our house) could be tracking my viewing habits. I really hoped not. Then it occurred to me that everyone has dirty little entertainment secrets....a Celine Dion CD tucked into their glove box.....a Paris Hilton story in their internet history. Maybe I'm not alone.....and if I'm brave enough to admit it I just mind find that there are others like me....and we can stand together, unashamed.
1. I watched a marathon of "The Hills." Yes, I did it. I watched seven episodes worth of shallow, emoting, backstabbing blondes in giant sunglasses cry over their boyfriends, boytoys, and boybands with their little perfect nails and giant rings wrapped around fat-free double raspberry-mocha lattes with skim milk. I mean, when Lauren almost didn't get to go to Paris for Teen Vogue, but STILL warned Whitney to pack warm clothes I had tears. How many of us pass a true friendship test like THAT!!
2. I had a season-pass on Tivo for "Dog The Bounty Hunter" It's like T.J. Hooker meets Hells Angels meets Jimmy Swaggart meets.... well, you get what I mean. I don't even care that they spend an hour working up plan A, B and C to capture the biggest, bad-ass criminal Waikiki has ever served up, only to actually body slam him while he's eating sugar smacks in his underwear at his mama's house. It's all worth it when you watch the guy (still in his underwear) smoking a cigarette in his handcuffs while Dog brings in the life-changing reinforcements.....and I'm talkin' about JESUS here people. These Brahs find the Lord on their trip to the clink. It's poetic stuff!
3. I like the Backstreet Boys. I said it. It's exhausting to spend your life in hiding. Have you ever REALLY listened to "I want it that way"? And have you HONESTLY never wanted to sing along? Liars!
4. I know the words to Ice-Ice Baby. Uh, All the words. I honestly don't know what waxing a trump like a candle means, but I can sing it baby!
5. I wrote the band "Poison" a letter in 1990. I don't remember what incomprehensibly idiotic things I said, but I know it had something to do with inviting them to come stay on my farm in Idaho if they were too overwhelmed with the rockstar life. Uh....wow.
6. I haven't missed an episode of American Idol in three years. Mind you, I have had the help of Tivo. It's a talent show, like star search! I like talent shows. I like Simon....and thank God for Simon. He provides an excuse for hundreds of people to watch the show without admitting they actually like it. But I'll say it.....I actually like it....except for Jordin Sparks, she's annoying.
7. Sometimes I sing along in my car (at the top of my lungs) to Celine Dion. she move me, ho-k?
8. I locked myself in the bathroom when my mom refused to drive me to Salt Lake City to see Kirk Cameron at the Crossroads Mall. You can freakin' bet that if it would have been TINA TURNER we'd have packed up the whole family for a pilgrimage down I-15, thrusting our fists in the air to the beat of "Better Be Good To Me." I'm still bitter.
9. I thought Madonna's, "Like a Virgin" meant someone from Virginia and couldn't understand why my father wouldn't buy it for me for Christmas when I was 9 years old. My YOUNGER sister had to sit me down, shake her head in disbelief (Again) and tell me that it meant something "naughty." All I could think about was that I had sung it at the breakfast table with my grandparents over soft-boiled eggs and grapefruit.
10. When my teacher told me that I shouldn't pick Ronald Reagan for the 5th time, I wrote a "hero" paper about the professional wrestler Magnum T.A. I mainly focused on his killer belly-to-belly suplex move, his friendship with Dusty Rhodes, and his noble defense of his mama when she was insulted at ringside by the dirty Russian Nikita Kolov.
Well, there they are. I am pretty sure there are people out there who have been liberated by my honesty. We're never alone. I think there might be a Celine Dion song about that!
2. I had a season-pass on Tivo for "Dog The Bounty Hunter" It's like T.J. Hooker meets Hells Angels meets Jimmy Swaggart meets.... well, you get what I mean. I don't even care that they spend an hour working up plan A, B and C to capture the biggest, bad-ass criminal Waikiki has ever served up, only to actually body slam him while he's eating sugar smacks in his underwear at his mama's house. It's all worth it when you watch the guy (still in his underwear) smoking a cigarette in his handcuffs while Dog brings in the life-changing reinforcements.....and I'm talkin' about JESUS here people. These Brahs find the Lord on their trip to the clink. It's poetic stuff!
3. I like the Backstreet Boys. I said it. It's exhausting to spend your life in hiding. Have you ever REALLY listened to "I want it that way"? And have you HONESTLY never wanted to sing along? Liars!
4. I know the words to Ice-Ice Baby. Uh, All the words. I honestly don't know what waxing a trump like a candle means, but I can sing it baby!
5. I wrote the band "Poison" a letter in 1990. I don't remember what incomprehensibly idiotic things I said, but I know it had something to do with inviting them to come stay on my farm in Idaho if they were too overwhelmed with the rockstar life. Uh....wow.
6. I haven't missed an episode of American Idol in three years. Mind you, I have had the help of Tivo. It's a talent show, like star search! I like talent shows. I like Simon....and thank God for Simon. He provides an excuse for hundreds of people to watch the show without admitting they actually like it. But I'll say it.....I actually like it....except for Jordin Sparks, she's annoying.
7. Sometimes I sing along in my car (at the top of my lungs) to Celine Dion. she move me, ho-k?
8. I locked myself in the bathroom when my mom refused to drive me to Salt Lake City to see Kirk Cameron at the Crossroads Mall. You can freakin' bet that if it would have been TINA TURNER we'd have packed up the whole family for a pilgrimage down I-15, thrusting our fists in the air to the beat of "Better Be Good To Me." I'm still bitter.
9. I thought Madonna's, "Like a Virgin" meant someone from Virginia and couldn't understand why my father wouldn't buy it for me for Christmas when I was 9 years old. My YOUNGER sister had to sit me down, shake her head in disbelief (Again) and tell me that it meant something "naughty." All I could think about was that I had sung it at the breakfast table with my grandparents over soft-boiled eggs and grapefruit.
10. When my teacher told me that I shouldn't pick Ronald Reagan for the 5th time, I wrote a "hero" paper about the professional wrestler Magnum T.A. I mainly focused on his killer belly-to-belly suplex move, his friendship with Dusty Rhodes, and his noble defense of his mama when she was insulted at ringside by the dirty Russian Nikita Kolov.
Well, there they are. I am pretty sure there are people out there who have been liberated by my honesty. We're never alone. I think there might be a Celine Dion song about that!
