Weekly PIH: Just Everyday People Who Deserve a Punch in the Head

1. Sarah Palin and her mighty Telepalmer. (see below!)

2. The heartless aaaass behind the reduced-salt Sidekick commercials. They have awakened my long held belief that inanimate objects have feelings with their evil depiction of "wee salt shaker man" who has been reduced to peering through a rainy window at the warm, family meal inside. He cries his guts out-- literally; so do I. For God's sake: EAT SALT!!! As if those mop-hating bastards at Swiffer weren't bad enough.

3. "Keep the tofu balls warm honey, I'm gonna be late! Bob Barker's check cleared and I'm going to take a spin to Antarctica to ram a Japanese fishing vessel with the Bat Boat." AYFKM???? You can't even make this stuff up! Before PETA sabotages my blog with images of emaciated, staggering baby horses (and it has bacon in the name!): THIS IS NOT A STATEMENT IN SUPPORT OF WHALING!! But seriously, a Bat Boat!!! Riiiiiidiculous! LOL

4. Jerry the monotone GPS ass (Henceforth known as: GP-AAAASS) for plotting my route through the lobby of the MetLife building in Manhattan. I wanted to do it....just hammer down, jump the steps, plow right through, crash to a stop in a shower of glass in front of the rosy- cheeked Christmas tourists, climb out, slam the door, order some street meat and then sue those ill-informed, misleading bastards!!! FYI: This wasn't some Jesus revival tent clamored up in the middle of Park Avenue: It is one of the worlds 50 largest buildings, constructed in Nineteen Sixty-Freakin-Three!!!

5. The short, squeeky lotion cart bitch who followed me through the mall for 10 paces trying to give me a hand massage...am I in Thailand?

6. Every Engineer, inventor and Santa-Claus-His-Freakin'-Self for not coming up with a better hanging assembly for Christmas ornaments than that damn wire hook and circle crap! (Yeah, Yeah, I'm sweating the small stuff...cheaper than Hydro in December...)

7. The simple-minded, winter-jovials...all bundled up with their toothy smiles, waving as they waddle over the snow banks. You don't really like winter that much; it's a coping mechanism!



Thursday, January 10, 2008

The Day Marie-Soleil Turned Me Into a Canadian


Mathieu and I following my ceremony


"Marie-Soleil" and I following my Citizenship Ceremony


Mathieu, "Marie-Soleil" and I

There is a Chinese proverb that says, “We count our miseries carefully, but accept our blessings without much thought.” There are many days when I take note of the stresses in life. But today, on my first full day as a Canadian, I am gratefully aware of my blessings.

I am grateful to be a Canadian; An American-Canadian no less. I have to admit that even though I have been anxiously awaiting my Canadian Citizenship, I am surprised at how much it means to receive it. As I sat through my Citizenship Ceremony with 75 other candidates I knew that I did not experience the adversity, loss, uncertainty, or culture shock that some surely did on this journey. But still, I remembered leaving Idaho to join Mathieu in Ottawa eight years ago, and how different everything and everyone seemed to me then. Being an American in Canada has given me the gift of a perspective that I would have never had otherwise…on myself and my country.

I am grateful for the friends and family who make me proud of Canadians…. and for those back home who have unconditionally supported me being here. My mom is so excited and is probably telling everyone that I received some Royal Canadian Medal of Most Wonderfulness from my good friend the Prime Minister. I received great messages from Mathieu’s parents in Hearst and from friends throughout the day. And when Mathieu and I walked into the ceremony we found our friends Marc, Andrea and Isabelle already there. A few minutes later I heard someone say my name and turned to see Mathieu’s uncles Andre and Phil and his Aunt Pierrette behind me. I hadn’t thought that people would attend a ceremony on a Wednesday afternoon, so I had only told them the day of the ceremony and not where it was. They had spent the morning calling the entire Canadian government (including the Governor General’s residence) to find the location! As I repeated the Oath of Citizenship it went on about my future allegiance to the Queen and upholding the laws, but I was thinking instead of how lucky I am in this life to have come here to be with Mathieu, and to be part of this amazing family and to have made such great friends. It made the moment that much more special to have them there, and again later for celebratory drinks while I wielded around my Citizenship Certificate. (Note to liquor establishments: I do, however, think that a very Canadian thing to do would be to offer free beer to one who wields a shiny new Citizenship Certificate.)

I am also grateful that my cheering section causes a disturbance everywhere we go. The proctor (henceforth known as the bouncer) at the ceremony had to tell Aunt Pierrette to “settle down” when she was trying to get my attention. To disrupt things further the Citizenship Judge was a delightfully animated and personable woman named Suzanne Pinel, who it seems acquired some fame years ago as Marie-Soleil in a French-Canadian Children’s show. The entire photo line-up of new Canadians was disrupted for 10 minutes when it came to my turn because the judge started chatting with my French-Canadian family and friends! She joined us a few minutes later for an even longer discussion where I had my moment of glory explaining the pure beauty of the Idaho Potato to the former Marie-Soleil!! This drew further scrutiny from the bouncer who had previously scolded Aunt Pierrette! “I could tell you were trouble” she said to me as we were leaving, “when I saw your entourage.” Well, they might be trouble, but they look pretty good to me.