I am absolutely certain that I have, on several occasions, met the Christmas Grinch. I've never understood that. Christmas has food....chocolate and booze food! Christmas has presents! Personally, I identify much more closely with the New Year's Grinch. I think evil thoughts about the people I see through gym windows at 6:00 a.m.....sending me subliminal messages that I should think about changing my life. Suddenly the McMuffin, Double-Double, and the Aero bar I'm coveting in the glove box go from being little packages of happiness to being suspect. Then the resolving begins.....and I am forced to annoy myself until March 10th when I give up the whole damn mess. So, this year.....meet me, the underachiever. I treat you to the seven resolutions that were not:
1. Exercise: Nope, not going to do it and neither are you. We always say it. There's just something about the new year that jars us into jerks of progress. In the end, all that comes from it is sweating and swearing as I haul my cookies up six flights of stairs, spend$500 in workout gear, gym memberships and magazines. That is not conducive to number two, which is to....
2. Spend less money on plastic junk (and the like): So, "You don't become a millionaire by skipping on lattés" says the millionaire....and shopping is about the only exercise one who foregoes resolution number one gets. Additionally, it makes me happy and less abrasive to those around me (which has been suggested by more than one therapist). Therefore, the resulting depression is not conducive to number three, which is to....
3. Wake up earlier and enjoy the beautiful stillness of the morning: The only joy I find first thing in the morning is knowing that I can sleep seven minutes longer every time I press the magic time-warp button. I don't like mornings; they don't like me. My sister says, "We're a good lookin' family, but we all look like the Geiko cave man until 10 a.m." So, it's best just to sleep through it. Rising at dawn and going for a brisk walk with Rover might work for some people, but it just makes me want to snap their neck and poison Rover for barking like a freak when I'm trying to sleep for seven more precious minutes....sigh...this stress is not conducive to number four, which is to....
4. Drink less: Uh, ya...maybe not. I mean, Jesus, even Jesus tapped the spring. Drinking is a necessary pre-requisite for number five, which is to......
5. Be more patient with people (specifically strangers): I am patient, I just don't like morons. They're everywhere. I have more than my share of "duh-freaking-duh Kari" moments....but I actually saw a woman try on shoes in the Walmart line up as she was being checked out. Jolly good for all of us, they were a bit loose and she asked if the cashier could call someone to bring her a smaller size! Then Moron Number Two entered stage left....the cashier who actually did it! I was in line with 50 other people with arms full of plastic junk and beat up boxes of candy that needed wrapped and delivered in the next 24 hours! But this is negative, which is not conducive to number six, which is to....
6. Be positive: Ah, jeez, I can be positive! Really! I even have moments of cheerleader like enthusio-optimism, complete with hand clapping and arm motions. But the sad truth is that I'm rather enjoy complaining. I also suspect that I'm funnier when I'm cantankerous. This is not to mention that my blog suffers when I have nothing caustic and critical to say, which is not conducive to number seven, which is to...
7. Blog more regularly! O.K. So, this one I might try to keep....at least until March 10th!
Happy New Year!
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