Weekly PIH: Just Everyday People Who Deserve a Punch in the Head

1. Sarah Palin and her mighty Telepalmer. (see below!)

2. The heartless aaaass behind the reduced-salt Sidekick commercials. They have awakened my long held belief that inanimate objects have feelings with their evil depiction of "wee salt shaker man" who has been reduced to peering through a rainy window at the warm, family meal inside. He cries his guts out-- literally; so do I. For God's sake: EAT SALT!!! As if those mop-hating bastards at Swiffer weren't bad enough.

3. "Keep the tofu balls warm honey, I'm gonna be late! Bob Barker's check cleared and I'm going to take a spin to Antarctica to ram a Japanese fishing vessel with the Bat Boat." AYFKM???? You can't even make this stuff up! Before PETA sabotages my blog with images of emaciated, staggering baby horses (and it has bacon in the name!): THIS IS NOT A STATEMENT IN SUPPORT OF WHALING!! But seriously, a Bat Boat!!! Riiiiiidiculous! LOL

4. Jerry the monotone GPS ass (Henceforth known as: GP-AAAASS) for plotting my route through the lobby of the MetLife building in Manhattan. I wanted to do it....just hammer down, jump the steps, plow right through, crash to a stop in a shower of glass in front of the rosy- cheeked Christmas tourists, climb out, slam the door, order some street meat and then sue those ill-informed, misleading bastards!!! FYI: This wasn't some Jesus revival tent clamored up in the middle of Park Avenue: It is one of the worlds 50 largest buildings, constructed in Nineteen Sixty-Freakin-Three!!!

5. The short, squeeky lotion cart bitch who followed me through the mall for 10 paces trying to give me a hand massage...am I in Thailand?

6. Every Engineer, inventor and Santa-Claus-His-Freakin'-Self for not coming up with a better hanging assembly for Christmas ornaments than that damn wire hook and circle crap! (Yeah, Yeah, I'm sweating the small stuff...cheaper than Hydro in December...)

7. The simple-minded, winter-jovials...all bundled up with their toothy smiles, waving as they waddle over the snow banks. You don't really like winter that much; it's a coping mechanism!



Friday, April 24, 2009

Thank You Justin...Thank You Dave...Thank you JESUS!!!!!

Have you ever met someone and felt like they've always been there.....nebulous, fleeting dreams of things to come....the missing piece? I can scarcely dare to imagine that it has materialized......it really exists....

Baconnaise!!!! Yes, go ahead....dare to believe....surrender to the hope that it really does mean the bringing together of Bacon and Mayonnaise in holy union. I don't trust anyone who still has dry eyes at this point, but if Baco-Mayo is not enough, (prepare yourself) there's bacon salt!! GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!

Justin and Dave are the two proud bacontrepreneurs at J&D Foods in Seattle, WA. They left their careers in high tech (incidentally after one of them won $5000 on America's Funniest Home Videos) to take on a pork strip mission because they, too, believe that EVERYTHING SHOULD TASTE LIKE BACON!!! They have created Baconnaise, Bacon Salt and even Bacon Lip Balm!!!

There is no end to the frontiers of American Invention.....or to the grateful feeling I will have for the brave Ottawa Firefighters who will remove a wall to get me out of my house after I eat a case of Baconnaise straight from the jar. But troubles are for another day; today is for celebrating all that is possible; today is for Baconnaise. Baconnaise, you complete me.

www.jdfoods.net
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